Death
Is why I built
A never ending wall
A wall against the pain
The hurt
The agony
No one can break down the wall
It was put in place to keep people out
To protect my self
From those who would hurt me
To keep me safe cause no one else could
No one
I stand alone
I fight alone
Always alone
Everyday the darkness closes in
That black abyss of nothingness
And everyday I try to out run it
Everyday I pretend…
Pretend that my life is fine
But in reality it is far from fine
So I hold on
In the utter kayos
I hold on
Through all the onslaughts
I hold on
But on my own I can only hold on for so long
Eventually I will break
To the weight
My life has been in kayos
For far to long
And I can’t stand to the onslaughts anymore
My walls are breaking
They are crumbling against the war
Soon they will break
And the hurt
The pain
And the agony
They will get in again
And they will destroy my life once more
They will take all that I love
And destroy them
I can not love
I must hate all
In order to protect them
No one should have to go through this
So I protect them from it.
I stand alone because I love them to much
Even though they want in
They want to stand with me
But I don’t understand why
Why would they want to know that pain
Why would they ask to fight with me
What is this
Love?
I do not understand it
No one has ever wanted to fight with me
Never
I want to let them in my walls
But there is no door
There is only one way in
‘cause you see
I built this wall around me
Never to leave it or to let any one in
So the only way in
Is to tear down my wall
But to do so would let the pain
The hurt
And the agony back in
And once they see it
Once they have had to fight it
Will they still want it
Will they stick around and fight with me
Or will they run
I can not fight the battle alone
Not with out my wall
I can stand for a while but then
Then I run and hid
Soon the pain
The hurt
And the agony leave
They get bored of looking and move on
And so quietly
Without speaking a word
I begin to build
Soon it is thick and strong
But still I keep building
It will never be high enough
To keep death out
So I build
Refusing to look over that wall
Refusing to fall in love again
But their voices called
At first I resisted
But then they made me one of them
Made me feel wanted and loved
Even with my wall they cared
They took me in, walls and all
But even I knew the walls couldn’t stay
That one day it would have to come down
I feared that day like none other
When the day came I cried
For the first time in years
My best friend
My brother
My roommate
Took down that first brick
I was scared to see it go
But he showed me that it was ok
Yes a little pain
A little hurt
And a little agony slipped in
But he was there
And he stood by me
And fought
Soon I learned that he would always be there
That if I let him help me take the wall down
He wouldn’t run
But would the others
Would they see my past
My memories and run
Would they take me and all my blemishes?
I had to learn to trust
To know that I could not avoid
Death
Or pain
Or hurt
Or agony
That in order to live at all
I had to take those to
And so I started that hard process
Of tearing down my wall
It wasn’t easy
And there where and are
Days that I start to put it back up
But every time he comes along
And reminds me that they are there to stay
That no matter what
They are going no where
And so I let them in
To fight
My wall is still there
But it is much smaller now
And we stand with in it
Fighting the good and the bad
Together
Side by side we stand
Against the pain
The hurt
The agony
And I know now that I can not stop death
That it is part of life
As pain
Hurt
And agony are
With out them we learn nothing
Because…
It is through them
That I learned to love
To trust
To feel
And to live
So I tear down my wall daily to let them in
To let them fight by my side
Because they have proven them selves
Warriors
Both strong and courageous
Able to stand against
My black past
And so we fight to push that darkness
That black abyss of nothingness back
To live another day
As one
Together we make a family
One that will stand strong
Against the onslaught of death
And pain
And hurt
And agony
Because we stand together and
We stand as one on the rock of ages.
I do not have to run any further
And I do not have to fight alone anymore
Cause my family stands beside My side



Death and My Life
By Lori Schnurbusch

Started in 2005 finished May 6, 2007

Well i had this strange amount of energy. But unlike the most times i was aloud to be that energtic and that is something that has never happened. All i know is that i had a blast getting to clean the car with Andy and Bec. It has been a really long time since i have been able to do anyting like that. I must admit it was about the most fun i have had in a really long time.  and for once in a life time i was able to be in a good mood that no one could change. No one was able to bring it down simply cause they can't keep up with me. I am passive now but i was bubbling earlier. I think way to much for my own good so i think that i will sign off for now.

I keep telling everyone the world is going to end and i am almose positive it will with the right we all are going. the more I think about it the more i see the problem. We all seem to think that we have to take our problem. We all seem to think that we have to take out problems on all by our selves. But we Don't God put other people in our lives for a reason. So we need to learn to share with other. If we did then maybe we wouldn't have so many people just breaking down in tears becuase they wait to long to tell anyone that they are having a hard time. we need to tell people the truth. We have to share or else you just can't do it. And that's is not a bad thing it is not weakness. It is just how God made us. We were not made to be all powerful and to take everything on our own. why do you think the saying goes two head are better then one. Because what one of you can't think of the other can. that and you end up with more points of views. 


so in short the lesson that i have learned today is that not having the strength to take all of my problems on by my self is not weakness it is just how God made us. And that life is easier if i share with other what i am going through because then i have not only a support system but i also have help to stand. 

then again i think this is a lesson that we could all stand to learn.

why wont my world just stand still. 
Why wont it stop crashing down around my feet. 
I give up, i don't care anymore. 
I just want to sleep, t get away.
I am so far behind 
That there is no cathcing up
Maybe I should just surender
Everyone says think of your self
But then they go and freakazoid on me so i can't 
And just as they pull them selves together
some one else freaks
and my heart is to big so i can't not help
I seriously don't know how.
But at the same time this is destroying me.
my body keeps telling me no more
But i say who cares.
Who cares if it kills you
Who cares if it destroys your health
or if it destroies you life.
Don't get me wrong i love knowing 
and i love helpping
I just wish we could have a time of calm
a week where no on freaks
Its not impossible
we just need to learn to communicate
that is our soul problem
we all say tat we need to but no one ever does
I keep trying but why should i 
no one else does or cares
So why should I?
Wesay stop runing off casue it doesn't help
infact it only hurts more
Nut no one does.
So tell me why should I?
Wy shuld i talk and stay put if no one else does?
I want to run but i dont 
I want to hide but i don't 
i want ot just keep everything inside my head but i don't 
and believe me you it ain't by my power
No way i could do it on my own
No i give all that credit to God
And that is why i keep doing it.
I could break down and cry if it weren't for God
in these past months God has taught me much
He has tuaght me to trust and rely on Him
as well as how to pray and ask for help
and that i am not all powerful
that i can't do everything on my own
i am not strong enough
so i have to let others in to help me
S no matter how messed up my life gets
i will always remember that God will never give me more then i can handle and that He is always there for me. that He truly does carry me through this all. 

dcloudinca020106
 
OK i thought last semester was bad but this one is even worse. I am more busy, tired, and sick this semester then last and I already am taking the least amount units possible or at least i think so. i might have to seen if  can drop my math class casue i am having a hard time catching up. 

i am so tired. all i want to do this weekend is curl up and sleep. But matt is home so that is totally out of the question. we only have a little time before he has to go on tour. so i will spend every waking moment i can with am everyone.